Dana White's UFC 98 Video Blog

Here's all four parts of Dana White's UFC 98 video blog. Highlights include tons of hot lesbians getting naked and then making out with each other. Hmm wait, this might be the wrong video. Get out of here, mom! I'm, uh, changing!

Check out the rest of the videos after the jump.

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Lyoto Machida defeats Rashad Evans at UFC 98

I really thought Rashad Evans stood a chance against Lyoto Machida. He was an unorthodox fighter coming from one of the best camps in the world at breaking down opponents. I thought he'd come in and at least make it competitive, but sweet Jebus. I believe he landed one or two glancing blows to Machida's head and one solid kick to the body, and that was about it before he got put to sleep in the second round. Am I saying Rashad Evans was overrated? Absolutely not. I'm just trying to point out what a ridiculous human being Lyoto Machida is. A guy who can go into the octagon against people like Tito Ortiz, Thiago Silva, and Rashad Evans and make them look like amateurs. Based solely on the damage he took and inflicted, he might as well have been fighting an eighty-year-old blind person.

Karo Parisyan suspended for nine months

In wake of testing positive for three banned painkillers at UFC 94 in January, the Nevada State Athletic Commission today suspended welterweight contender Karo Parisyan for nine months, fined him $32,000, and ruled his split decision victory against Dong Hyun Kim a no decision. Sherdog reports:

Despite the result of the match being overturned, Parisyan was not forced to forfeit the $40,000 win bonus he received. The NSAC instead elected to impose a 40-percent fine on the entire $80,000 purse he was awarded but warned future violators that their win bonuses would be subject to forfeiture.

Parisyan, who was not represented by legal counsel at the hearing, pleaded for leniency before the commission after he admitted his guilt.

"This is my only form of income," Parisyan said. "If I don't fight, I'm nothing. I'm very, very sorry. It was completely unintentional. This is embarrassing for me."

According to Parisyan, he was put on a prescription painkiller because of a torn hamstring he suffered while training for a title fight against Matt Hughes in 2005. The injury forced him out of the UFC 56 match and has never been repaired, as evidenced by the deformed muscle visible on the back of his leg. Parisyan claims it has continued to cause him pain in the three years since.

However, prior to the Kim fight at UFC 94, Parisyan ingested two pain pills -- later identified as Percocet -- he received from a friend, who had assured him they were the same as what he had been prescribed. Evidently, they were not. His levels of Hydromorphone and Oxymorphone -- the two drugs for which he has no prescriptions -- were described as "very high."

"I trust the guy," Parisyan said. "He's a friend of mine. He's got a chronic disease. He gave me the pills and told me they were the same exact thing. That's why I took them."

What's more, Parisyan failed to disclose his use of painkillers, prescribed or otherwise, on a pre-fight questionnaire. Only after the fight did he inform an NSAC inspector.

This sucks for Karo, but it's probably something that needed to happen for the guy to get his head straight. You can't just be popping whatever pills people give you, then lie about it before a fight. Anybody in their right mind should know that, and that's exactly the problem. Karo just needs to take a step back and reevaluate things. Good news for Dong Hyun Kim though, since I could've seen him eking out that split decision at UFC 94, and now he maintains his perfect record. And really, it's all about records. Like my perfect record in pizza eating. That's right, not once have I not eaten pizza when presented with pizza. It's a gift.

Rashad Evans vs Lyoto Machida officially on

UFC President Dana White confirmed yesterday that Lyoto Machida will fight Rashad Evans for the light heavyweight title at UFC 98 on May 23. Rashad was supposed to fight Quinton "Rampage" Jackson, but Dana White said Jackson needs jaw surgery and wouldn't be ready for UFC 98.

I'm glad Lyoto Machida is finally getting a title shot, but it shouldn't have taken Rampage having to get jaw surgery for it to happen. Despite Machida's destruction of Thiago Silva, there are still a lot of haters who find him to be boring. I don't fall into that camp, so I'm just hoping he manages to beat Rashad in exciting enough fashion to win some people over. Machida doesn't get the respect he deserves by the UFC or by the MMA fans, but hopefully a light heavyweight title can change all that. And, if not, he can always resort to plan B: weeping in the corner while crying out, "Why won't they love me?!" Which, actually, doesn't sound like a very good plan.

Rashad Evans expects to fight Lyoto Machida

Despite the announcements at UFC 96 that Rashad Evans would fight Quinton "Rampage" Jackson for the title if Rampage managed to defeat Keith Jardine, it looks like it's going to be Lyoto Machida who finally gets the title shot. Sherdog reports:

"As I learned, 'Rampage' might need time off," Evans told the Sherdog Radio Network's "Beatdown" show on Monday. "It'll probably be Lyoto Machida, but I haven't gotten a confirmation on that."

"I don't know. I've just got that feeling," said Evans. "Just listening to him when we were in the ring talking he was kind of like, 'Yeah man you're lucky I wasn't 100 percent' and he started making excuses and I was thinking like it sounds like an excuse-fest is about to happen, so I know he ain't going to take no fight with me. He's making excuses now."

And on facing Lyoto Machida:

"The kid's been phenomenal," said Evans. "He's been better than phenomenal. He's been looking better every fight. But that's the fight business. That's the fun part about a fight is the fact that you go in there with an opponent that sometimes seems insurmountable. But then you figure it out and that makes the victory that much sweeter. With that said, there may be some kinks in his armor that I have yet to see that I can exploit when I look at the tapes more closely. Nobody's unbeatable. Machida's been looking slicker than I don't know what, but everybody has a weakness even if you do look slick as oil. Everyone has a weakness."

Ooh, this is exciting. I really hope this happens, because as much as I like Rashad and Rampage, I love Lyoto Machida. Hmm, maybe "love" isn't the right word here. What do you call it when you have a life sized cardboard cutout of somebody and a print of their face on your pillow case?

UFC 96 payouts: Rampage earns $385,000

Here are the UFC 96 payouts, as disclosed by the Ohio Athletic Commission. Quinton "Rampage" Jackson came out on top, making a whopping $385,000 after his $100,000 win bonus and $60,000 Fight of the Night bonus (which also went to Keith Jardine). Though that's nothing compared to what I made on Saturday night: this neat spaceship made out of Legos!

Quinton "Rampage" Jackson -- $325,000 (including $100,000 win bonus)
defeating Keith Jardine -- $55,000

Shane Carwin -- $32,000 (including $16,000 win bonus)
defeating Gabriel Gonzaga -- $60,000

Matt Brown -- $16,000 (including $8,000 win bonus)
defeating Pete Sell -- $12,000

Matt Hamill -- $40,000 (including $20,000 win bonus)
defeating Mark Munoz -- $12,000

Gray Maynard -- $20,000 (including $10,000 win bonus)
defeating Jim Miller -- $9,000

Tamdan McCrory -- $20,000 (including $10,000 win bonus)
defeating Ryan Madigan -- $3,000

Kendall Grove -- $44,000 (including $22,000 win bonus)
defeating Jason Day -- $5,000

Jason Brilz -- $10,000 (including $5,000 win bonus)
defeating Tim Boetsch -- $12,000

Brandon Vera -- $60,000 (including $30,000 win bonus)
defeating Michael Patt -- $5,000

Shane Nelson -- $16,000 (including $8,000 win bonus)
defeating Aaron Riley -- $6,000

Dana White's UFC 96 Video Blog - 3/7/09

Here's Dana White's final video blog for UFC 96 filmed the day of the event. Highlights include Dana pounding on the Octagon trying to get Yves Lavigne to stop the Matt Brown/Pete Sell fight, and Quinton "Rampage" Jackson getting sucker punched in the balls. Dana also asks Rampage if he wants to take the Rashad Evans fight in May at UFC 98, though no definitive answer is given because Rampage just finished beating Keith Jardine. C'mon, Dana, at least wait until the guy has his pants back on. I'm surprised Dana didn't just jump into the Octagon during the fight and push Keith Jardine out of the way. "Get out of here, Jardine! Hey, Rampage, want to fight Rashad in May?"

Post UFC 96 thoughts: Brandon Vera's return

It's nice to see the return of Brandon "The Truth" Vera. The real Brandon "The Truth" Vera I mean. The one that entered the UFC as a heaping mass of Muay Thai aggression. He's looked sluggish and sloppy since his fight against Tim Sylvia, so it's nice to see him looking like his old form. Yeah, it was against somebody who probably shouldn't have been in the Octagon with him, but Vera looked sharp, he looked focus, and best of all he looked aggressive. He's said that he's rediscovered his love of fighting, so let's hope we see him continue doing what he did at UFC 96: kicking people so hard they decide they'd rather lie on their back in pain than stand up.

Post UFC 96 thoughts: Rashad Evans' commentary

I wouldn't have guessed, but Rashad Evans is probably the best fighter commentator I've heard yet. And that's including Randy Couture. He was incredibly insightful and really showed the difference in mentality from a person who watches fights to a person who actually fights. I'm sure a lot of the insight came from the fact that he helped train Keith Jardine for Quinton "Rampage" Jackson, but it was extremely refreshing to hear. In addition to the very general (and also very entertaining) comments from Joe Rogan, you got a very detailed analysis of Jardine's gameplan. I felt like I was in his brain, and that's all thanks to Rashad Evans. For some reason the guy gets booed, but he's earned himself a tip of my hat. Oh yeah, and I guess Rashad Evans and Rampage Jackson are fighting for the title in May now at UFC 98. Poor Lyoto Machida. He should consider a new career in Never Ever Getting Title Shots. Because I think he would be very good at that job.

Post UFC 96 thoughts: Gonzaga vs Carwin

Okay, so I was wrong about this one. Everything was going as I was expecting until Gabriel Gonzaga got lazy with his defense and Shane Carwin let loose one of those cinder blocks he calls hands. What most impressed me was that Carwin managed to get back to his feet after Gonzaga had him on his back. Gonzaga knocks people out so people forget, but the guy is a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu world champion. And he's big. And he had Shane Carwin on his back. And, uh, then he got knocked out; which is a testament to what a beast Shane Carwin is. A tip of my hat to Carwin for proving me wrong and for being born with the genes of a silverback gorilla.

UFC 96 Picks: Rampage Jackson vs Keith Jardine

I'm going with Quinton "Rampage" Jackson on this one. Rampage has shown he's susceptible to takedowns and leg kicks, but Keith "The Dean of Mean" Jardine has shown he's susceptible to getting punched really hard in the head. And that's exactly what Rampage Jackson does very well. As long as Rampage doesn't give Jardine too much room to work and establish his very awkward and twitchy rhythm, Rampage's superior boxing should overwhelm. I say either Rampage wins by TKO, or Jardine pulls out the decision by outpointing with leg kicks and peppering jabs. It pretty much depends on how aggressive and confident Rampage is, though judging by his last performance neither should be an issue.

UFC 96 Picks: Gabriel Gonzaga vs Shane Carwin

Shane Carwin is a damn bear of a man, but so is Gabriel Gonzaga. Carwin has the superior strength, size, and wrestling, but Gonzaga's vastly superior Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu should come out on top. Yeah, Gonzaga is giving up 20 lbs and 2 inches to Carwin's 265 lb 6'3" frame, but it's not like Gonzaga is a 120 lb chess nerd. The guy looks bigger and more powerful everytime we see him, and I expect come fight night he'll close that weight gap even more. Combine that with his world class Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and I see him overwhelming Carwin on the ground.

Carwin just hasn't faced the sort of competition Gonzaga has yet. His only chance is to try and beat Gonzaga up on his feet, and bully him around with his wrestling while keeping things off the ground. And that's just not a combination of things I see him pulling off. I imagine the two will trade a bit on their feet and then clinch a few times. Eventually Carwin's wrestling background will take over and he'll take Gonzaga to the ground, where things will go horribly for him and he'll either find himself in a submission, or swept and getting beat up on his back.

Matt Hughes and Matt Serra set for UFC 98

The UFC announced Wednesday that Matt Hughes and Matt Serra will finally meet at UFC 98: Lesnar vs Mir 2 on May 23 at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas. Other notable fights added to the card include Yushin Okami vs Dan Miller and Sean Sherk vs Frank Edgar. I really don't understand why Yushin Okami is still getting stuck fighting these second tier fighters. Yeah, he's kind of boring, but he's also the number one contender at middleweight. And the UFC has him fighting Dan Miller? It'd be like asking Rampage Jackson to fight my neighbor Donald. And he's not even a fighter, just some guy named Donald that I live next to.

Rich Franklin and Wanderlei Silva set for UFC 99

Rich Franklin and Wanderlei Silva are officially set to meet at UFC 99: The Comeback on June 13 at Lanxess Arena, Germany. The fight will be at a catchweight of 195lbs, which I'm assuming is because Wanderlei Silva can't make 185 lbs. Just like I can't make the cutoff for heavyweight. Hey, it's not my fault I'm 500 lbs of pure chiseled muscle. It is, however, my fault that I'm this good looking.

Dana White's UFC 96 Video Blog - Episode 2

Episode two of Dana White's UFC 96 video blog. Highlights include Wanderlei Silva doing a...Borat impression? Veerry niice!

Dana White's UFC 96 Video Blog - Episode 1

Here's part one of Dana White's UFC 96 video blog. There's really not much going on here, though you do get a glimpse at Dana White's family and his home. I'm actually a little surprised he brought his family into this though. For some reason I just always thought he was the kind of guy who would keep his family life private and separate from his business life. Then again, I also thought the moon was a giant chunk of cheese until I was 18, so what do I know?

Couture agrees to fight Nogueira

According to multiple sources from Randy Couture's camp, Couture has agreed to face Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira at the unannounced UFC 101 event sometime in August. The two were expected to fight in early 2009, but Couture's role in Sylvester Stallone's The Expendables, set to film in late March, got in the way.

If Nogueira accepts the fight, and I can't see why he wouldn't, this should be huge. Couture is always a huge crowd draw and Nogueira needs to fight his way back to relevancy after his abysmal appearance against Frank Mir. If anything, this'll be the largest fight between the two oldest looking guys in the UFC. I know Nogueira is only 32, but the guy's been in so many wars it looks like he's pushing 70. Halfway through the fight I expect they'll just jump onto their Rascals and start chasing each other around the Octagon.

UFC 96: Quinton Rampage Jackson vs Keith Jardine pre-fight video

Here's some pre-fight footage of Quinton Rampage Jackson and Keith Jardine talking about their upcoming fight at UFC 96: Jackson vs Jardine. Pretty typical stuff here, "can't look past my opponent", "training hard", "yadda yadda yadda." Somebody needs to come up with some new pre-fight talk. Maybe break out into song and dance. Or do a magic trick. God, how I would love for a fighter to do a magic trick during their pre-fight interview.

Check out Keith Jardine's video after the jump.

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Dana White's UFC 95 Video Blog - 2/21/09

Here's Dana White's latest video blog, chronicling his times at UFC 95: Sanchez vs Stevenson. Highlights include various shots of the ring girls and Rampage Jackson, uh, giving lapdances to the ring girls. And also sometimes they show the ring girls. Did I mention ring girls yet? Because there are ring girls in this video. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to roll my jaw off the floor like some sort of cartoon character.

UFC signs middleweight Yoshihiro Akiyama

The Ultimate Fighting Championship announced today that it has signed middleweight contender Yoshihiro Akiyama to an exclusive promotional contract that will see him step into the UFC Octagon for the first time this summer.

"I'm excited to bring Akiyama into the UFC and I can see him making an immediate impact in the middleweight division," said UFC President Dana White. "Besides his great judo and submission game, he's a finisher, and UFC fans are going to love watching him because he always shows up to fight."

This is hugely interesting. Akiyama is sort of a controversy in Japan. He wins, but he gets booed because he's viewed as dishonorable (he was found guilty of greasing after a victory over Japanese legend Kazushi Sakuraba). And you know if you get booed by the Japanese you've really done something wrong. But he's good. And he's Japanese (well technically he's a Korean born in Japan). And he fights in Dream, which means the UFC is serious about coming after the Japanese organizations. All of which probably has huge ramifications, I'm just too dumb to figure it out. The UFC...and...cookies? There's going to be more cookies? For me? For dinner? Yay, I did it! I figured it out! I'm the best!